I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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