seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Sober January is a disaster.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
