: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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