He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We had sex on a dog bed..
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
