Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Randomize
