It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
