IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
50% drunk capacity currently
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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