I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Randomize
