I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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