Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
