haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
