Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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