Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
