I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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