this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
