Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
