so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize