I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
