nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize