JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
