God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
