I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
