You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Randomize
