guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
