My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
