We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
FUCK WHALES
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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