I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
