Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
