my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
