you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
