O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize