she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize