I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize