Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
