how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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