We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
