So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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