awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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