do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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