I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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