end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
