I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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