; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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