ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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