Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
