**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
