I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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