My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize