he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
