The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize