I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize