Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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