in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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