____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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