: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
