I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
