Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
