how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize