If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
