My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
