I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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